Dreaming

Thursday, January 24
I wasn’t planning to make an entry until Saturday, but I feel compelled, addled as my brain may be. Wow, I have just sat here and rewrote the previous sentence four times. I’m not confused, addled, or surprised. I realize why I choked back tears at the running store and at the informational meeting. It’s all about that “commit or not commit.” I have often wanted to do something audacious, but I have too often listened to the little Devil guy.

Funny how deciding to participate in a 10k has aroused such emotion? I’m coming to the conclusion that it’s not the distance, it’s the “c” word…the…cuuu…cuuu…COMMITMENT.

There, I said it. It’s about following through toward a goal—not just a wish or a dream, but a hard and fast goal. It’s about eliminating excuses. I have said, “So many people don’t know the meaning of the word commitment.” Hmmm, as I “point” the finger at them, I now see the three fingers pointing back at me.

I am becoming a dad of whom my children can be prouder than ever. I am reinforced by my successes, as small as they are, and am excited about my first training team meeting on Saturday.

Wow, I received an email from Mike at Sportsbackers about how his experience as a fellow walker is paralelling mine. I guess we too often think that we are the only ones in a particular situation when there is a world of people going thru similar experiences…and emotions.

Beginning

Monday, January 14
I went walking today for the second time. I almost need a calendar to time myself. My cardio stuff is OK, it's my legs that need development. I kept in mind as I was walking that I had to make it home, so I decided to walk back and forth up and down the street staying near the house. I walked what I thought was a mile in 25 minutes. Discouraging. The next day, to make sure my distance is right, I drove the car on my course and discovered that it was 1.6 miles. So, my pace is around a 20-21 minute mile. Encouraging.

Tuesday, January 15
I joined the Y training team. Our first session is the last Saturday in January at 9 a.m. I did indeed sign up as a walker, so Jeremy, Stephen and I won't be together at the actual event. Don't make the mistake of referring to them as joggers. They are full-blown runners. They will be home, showered, and preparing lunch by the time I finish, which will probably be around 11:30 (a.m., I hope). But then there is the motivation of free bagels, so that may spur me on. My son, who participated with this past year's marathon training team, "warns" me about the coaches and how crazy they can be--in a good way.

2008 AD

Saturday, January 12, 2008 AD (After Decision)
I commit (pluck).
I commit not (pluck).
I commit (pluck).
I commit not (pluck).
I commit (pluck). No more flower petals. I commit.

Many times, when faced with an opportunity to "rise to the top" I stopped plucking petals on “commit not,” but this time was to be different. Life is too short to let slip away before committing to something audacious. Why didn't I realize that 35 years ago. Better late than never.

Looking for shoes that will alleviate the physical stress of walking 6 miles instead of, like my current bargain basement shoes, adding to it, I went to a runners' store. All of a sudden I feel myself gently suppressing tears. What’s going on…crying because I was buying a pair of tennis shoes? But no, there's the "letting go of dreams every now and then," "loss of commitment" thing to deal with.

I'm realizing that it's time to walk the talk...literally. Now I know that there is more to walking the 10k than just...well...walking. It's about stepping up to the plate. It's "role model" time. I will achieve this goal, which, as out of shape as I am, is worth the effort. And, hey, I may even drop a few pounds in the process.

Confronting me was a wall covered with shoes and I have no clue as to what to look at. As a clerk approaches, I just know he's going to laugh as soon as I tell him why I am there. He's going see that I'm an old, gray haired, overweight guy and think I am trying to relive my childhood or something. Turns out he's one of the angel guys. He says how wonderful it is and I kinda tear up…again. He asks me to walk to the front of the store and back. I thought he was giving me a test to see if I could make it. He is actually sizing me up as to what kind of shoe will optimize my experience. He makes a decision, and brings me two boxes of purpose-built running shoes. They're like walking on a cloud. AND they are only (ha) $90. I take the plunge. Wow, I feel lighter already…$90 lighter. I start feeling different…inside. I am actually looking forward to taking them out for a test walk.

Immediately upon arriving at home I changed into my clouds and took a test walk up the street a couple blocks and back. I could for the first time in my life relate to the guy on Survivorman.

2008 BC

Monday, January 21, 2008
Today at lunch at Jersey Mike's my son Jeremy told me that he was proud of me. WOW. That meant the whole world to me for reasons beyond his awareness. The occasion for his comment was that I have registered to participate in the Monument Avenue 10k on April 5, 2008.

Now, please don't misunderstand. My relationships with my children seem strong and healthy. I look back with great satisfaction on all of the time, energy, and love that I have invested in them, and to this day we enjoy being together. Jeremy and I get together for lunch weekly. In fact, it was over lunch that my son Jeremy encouraged me to create this blog. He has also encouraged me to include photos in my blog, so starting with our first training, I will be the guy training with a camera.

Surprisingly (to me anyway) keeping this blog is becoming more significant than I imagined. It's only a diary...right? Wrong. Take a peek at the last couple of weeks…

Early January 2008 B.C. (Before Commitment)
The little Angel guy sitting on my right shoulder says, "Do it," while the little Devil guy on my left says, "You won’t make it, so why put yourself through that suffering?" Devil guys are ruthless.

Why would I even consider walking a 10k (about 6 miles), when my lifestyle has been one of physical mediocrity for many years? One reason is my children. They are a big part of my inspiration. They are active and health-conscious. They don’t make excuses. They are the examples that I should be to them; examples that I once was. Many years ago I did indeed work out regularly, and over time have fallen into a less and less active lifestyle.

But now back to the decision--to participate or not to participate, that was the question. Although life really is simple, I was complicating my decision with excuses. I've done well over the years at justifying my mediocrity, while dreaming of greatness. Dreamers are to be pitied, unless they create the unquenchable desire to turn dreams into reality. I have given that “burning desire” thing a shot on a couple of occasions, but extinguished the flame. I just rewrote the last sentence. I first wrote, “…but soon let the flame be extinguished." That's where mediocrity comes from—believing that your flame was extinguished by someone or something outside of yourself. Truth is that I have always been above mediocre and generally haven't allowed myself to realize it. Greatness is inside. It's inside all of us.

So, there's bad news, and good news. Bad news: I am the Devil guy. Good news: I am the Angel guy. Decision time.

Wednesday, January 9
I attended an informational meeting at the Manchester YMCA. Two guys presented information. One was with Sportsbackers and the other was the head coach. Between them, they've run like 400 events. Don’t they have a life?

At the meeting there were about 40 women...and me. When the coach asked for questions, I was tempted to ask if there would be any other males participating. Maybe the males are the runners and women are the walkers. Maybe, during the actual 10k, when I come by labeled as a "walker" the spectators lining the route will shout at me, "Girly man!" Maybe I could wear a costume. Then again, maybe I am generalizing and complicating.

Nevertheless, I think I am going to participate, and wanting to live to tell about my experience, I will still register as a “walker.”